Hands Free Paper Towel Dispenser

Work just installed a new paper towel unit in the bathroom and I have to admit, I don’t like it. It’s one of those hands free units similar to the picture below, but it does not have a sensor. You have to pull the sheet yourself. This would be fine if the system worked, however with wet hands you end up tearing little pieces of the towel off instead of the entire towel. The bathroom ends up littered with scraps of paper. Overall the system is pretty frustrating. There is no way to get an entire sheet out without ripping the corners. Spend the extra $50 and get the sensor.

Do you have 15 minutes?

JARED: what the manager should ask is

do you have 5 minutes to talk, 15 -20 optional minutes to go over what i didn’t think through, and 2 hours -4 hours to implement something real quick

Giving 110 Percent

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W -O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, itʼs the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Vending Machine Randomizer

Ever have trouble deciding on what to get from the vending machine? Wouldn’t it be great if there was a randomizer button that would pick for you? You could specify a few options like the row you wanted it to pick from, the type of snack (salty, chocolate), or price range. Some advanced options may even include peanut-free products or healthy options.

Heading out to the vending machine manufacturer now to sell them my idea.

Auto-annoyance

Ever had a day where the actions of others around you annoyed you immensely?  Little things that usually wouldn’t bother you all got on your nerves?  What causes that syndrom of nearly automatic annoyance?

I think some of it may be sleep related.  Less sleep, more easily annoyed.  I think some of it may also be the length of time you’ve spent with the people.  Remember as a kid when you had that sleepover with your best friend Friday night, which then turned into an entire saturday afternoon and then another sleepover saturday night?  By Sunday morning you would fight about things that would never come up in a normal situation.

Now apply the best friend situation to people who you just work with.  Now they aren’t your best friend, so it dosen’t take 2.5 days of constant interaction.

Anyway, when is the pill coming out to block out coffe slurpers, nasily breathers, continuous sniffers, and all those other annoying habits?

Morning Work Etiquette

When a coworker walks into the building, it’s ok to ask them what they did last night or if they caught the game or even to comment about the weather today. Basically any friendly conversation in the first few moments at work is welcomed.

What is not welcome you ask? Cornering a person as they walk in the door with crazy work issues. Give the person walking in a chance to take their coat off and settle in for 2 minutes before berating them with questions and work.

Reply-all: the root of unproductivity

Any email sent to an alias with more than 10 people on it should NOT have the option to reply-all.

You and Your Aim: for you Office Boys

If you can’t aim, use a urinal or have the decency to lift the lid.  There is NO reason for little yellow dots to cover the entire seat.

Building Management 101

Honestly, an office bathroom probably gets the most traffic between 9:30-11 AM and within an hour after lunch.  Why in the world would you close the bathrooms from 1-2 for cleaning? Maybe its a conspiracy to make lunch-goers take a few flights of stairs to get to another restroom and work off some of that lunch.

Ramblings lead to over-zealous MSN drawing

Another installment of typical Jared/Steve conversations:

Jared: its really coming down out here
Jared: i’m glad i actually beat the snow in
Steve: oh yea? are you going to be snowed in?
Jared: i pray to god we don’t get snowed in
Steve: you could get a lot of quality time with ABC Fire
Steve: and/or your co-workers
Jared: both of which are horrible horrible alternatives
Steve: hahahaha
Steve: I have a perfect storm situation for you:
Jared: ok
Steve: snowed in, no internet, no power
Steve: now you’re reduced to either drawing a deck of cards on some index cards or tossing a ball against the wall
Jared: hahhha
Jared: i draw the cards, that would take a long time
Steve: nah – 15 minutes?
Jared: i’d make it longer!
Jared: draw all the suits like 6 clubs for a 6 of clubs
Steve: you making perfect cards
Steve: oh yea then, you’d have some issues with the J, Q, K
Jared: yea definitely
Jared: i don’t know what they look like off the top of my head
Steve: you could just do stick people
Jared: very true
Steve:
Jared: hahahhahahahaha
Jared: that is pretty impressive